Some of us turn to wine. Some go on a party binge, some get a bucket of ice cream and spend hours switching between Dancing with the Stars and Seinfeld reruns. Then there is therapy, hours on the phone with your best friend…. We all have our own methods of dealing with break up or a divorce.
What we all crave at the end is closeness, friendship, intimacy and companionship. Megan Sullivan (Bounceback.com) offers a different advice: adopt a pet to sooth the heartbreak. Dogs in particular are awesome, loyal companions with plenty of love to give (and receive).
Taking care of a dog in need can be a welcomed distraction from the pain, an opportunity to get plenty of daily exercise, and a chance to re-discover friendship, affection and love.
The following is a personal account detailing how one single and very heartbroken woman was transformed by an unbreakable bond with a most unlikely and inspiring best friend:
“It was the summer after graduation and I decided to pack my things and move across the country to a place where young artists go to find themselves – Los Angeles. While I had always wanted to leave the small town I grew up in, the final words of my then boyfriend of two years being ‘I’m not in love with you’ definitely became the solid catalyst for change that I needed. So, I went, devastated, unemployed and hopeless toward a future involving any amount of love.
After months of waitressing, odd jobs and a complete dating drought I impulsively decided that I’d had enough of the solemn farmer’s market excursions, trendy couples with matching hipster hats and tattoos: I was getting a dog. I searched through www.petfinder.com and within a few minutes my eyes were pinned onto the sight of the most adorable animal I had ever seen – his name was ‘Scruffy.’ Over the next few years, Scruffy, despite his severities in post traumatic temperament, changed me and my life in ways I never imagined possible.
As cliché as my story may sound, a small, tragically neglected dog did in fact bring me back in touch with the person who looked to love with optimism, in other words: A dog had healed my broken heart.The following exemplifies exactly how rescuing a dog from a local shelter or rescue organization can do the exact same thing for you.”
Adopting a rescue dog can be a terrific cure for break up loneliness, and a great alternative to a rebound relationship we so often jump into. There are estimated 5 million companion animals placed in shelters in the US every year. Adopting a pet can heal your heart break. It can be your opportunity to do something good for a loving creature in need, while helping — and healing yourself.
God, there is SOOO much advice and tips and techniques on how to get over a break up all over the web. Some is useful, but some is as hokey as David Hasslehoff’s singing. And then there is the “Hilarious” category.
Claudia (The Zeros Before the One) and her friends came up with a “Mend a Broken Heart” game when one of Claudia’s girlfriends went through a really rough break up. The relationship was doomed to fail, but still – her friend was understandably upset.
So the girls got together for some wine and cheese — and for some playful but cathartic healing time. A game they had discovered by accident and now use every time someone needs a little help after a bad break up.
Claudia explains the rules:
Basically, the game is to find (with, thanks to Facebook and wedding websites, photographic evidence) the hottest guy and the ugliest guy you’ve ever hooked up with. That right – show your best and your worst, at least in the looks department. The worst meriting just as much clout as the best. And by ‘hooked up’, I mean anything: kissing, 2nd base, sex… it all counts. So grab your laptop and get your google search on.
There is one very important caveat – any current relationship is off limits. In fact, the farther in the past the relationship/hook-up, the more fun. Part of the hilarity is sharing the backstories and being creative in trying to find photos. Start with the hottest, as everyone likes to brag, and your girlfriends will ‘ohh’ and ‘ahh’ when you dig up an old hot flame. Let the stories begin. This has the added benefit of getting the weepy girl’s mind off the ex-boyfriend as women are competitive and driven to win (see The Bachelor). As competitive as the hottest guy category is, you’d be surprised at how fiercely competitive winning the ugliest can get.”
Yes, break up can be awful, so I am for any and ALL methods to recover. Well, let me clarify — anything as long as you don’t harm yourself or somebody else physically (booty calls), mentally (break up sex), and/or physically and mentally at the same time (woofing down a pint of Häagen-Dazs double chocolate while watching the Bachelor).
Now dig up those photos and have a blast. It will get better soon.
After my relationship ended, I was looking for ways to ease the pain of my heartbreak. I realized that there is no such thing as “quick fix”. No magic pill that would get me through the difficult times.
But I also found comfort in knowing that I was not alone. Almost every adult has at some point gone through the same painful ordeal of a break up or a divorce.
Some of the greatest art, paintings, poetry and music were born out of a heartbreak. I began to collect famous broken heart quotes about heartbreak and sadness, and I later put together a video. One of my favorite quotes is from Missy Altijd because I could so relate to it — heartbreak really does hurt everywhere:
“I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every other part of my body is broken too.“
There is also another great quote from the English writer and poet Rupert Brooke:
“I thought when love for you died, I should die. It’s dead. Alone, most strangely, I live on.”
I didn’t believe it at the time — there was just too much pain, despair and sadness, but today I KNOW this to be true:
“A heartbreak is a blessing from God. It’s just his way of letting you realize he saved you from the wrong one.”
Just want you to know that you’re not alone in your heartbreak. Hope the video will sooth your heart and bring you relief in your pain. Enjoy and let me know what you think.
I was not ready for the breakup. Not at all. “It’s over. I’m leaving.” Those words, like a sharp razor cut right through my soul. Emptiness, sorrow, and sadness filled the days and weeks that followed. I could not sleep, I couldn’t not eat, I could not even think straight. It felt as if the heartache would never go away.
“Don’t worry. You’ll get over it. Time will heal all wounds.” I know my friends meant well but all that advice was NOT helping.
If you struggle through a breakup or a divorce right now, it may feel like the pain is unbearable and it will never end. Here are some tips from Bossip that will help you get through these hard times.
Avoid the Friend Zone - when it’s over, it’s over! There is no such thing as being friends with your ex right away. In time, you can be friends but take the time you need to heal! No phone calls, no random late night sleepovers because “I miss you.” Stay strong and avoid contact for at least 90 days!
Do Not Get Drunk and Dial - alcohol and a cell phone are the perfect elixir for a disaster! Getting drunk and calling your ex to ask all the questions you think you want to know the answers to “do you miss me?” or “have you been seeing anybody else?” You might not be prepared for the answer or the attitude on the other end of the phone saying, “take your drunk a*s to bed.” This is never good. Remove the numbers from your phone to avoid these kind of nights.
Refrain from Random Sex - finding a “jump-off” or a void filler is nothing more than quick fix that doesn’t help you in the grand scheme of things. Furthermore, why pass the pain that you’re feeling on to someone else? Nobody wins. Take the time you need to heal, jumping into a fling immediately after a breakup is not healthy and likely ends up being a waste of time.
Switch It Up - Go through your house and rearrange your furniture, especially in the bedroom. Move your bed to another corner or switch up the entire layout of your living room! You can take it a step further and paint a room or two a different color. This helps refresh your attitude and enhances the desire to turn a new leaf!
You probably still have feelings for your ex. Maybe you still want to get back together, or at least stay friends. Staying friends with my ex was probably one of the biggest mistakes I made after my breakup and one of the most painful lessons I learned the hard way. Be strong, cut the connection, and avoid all contact with your ex. Yes, it is a hard, but necessary step on the way to healing.
There are several useful tools and tips that will help you get over the physical and emotional pain you’re experiencing right now. Regular physical exercise, therapy, and socializing with close friends can aliviate the heartache and speed up the healing process. Relationship coach and expert June Kwok also recommends meditation:
The most powerful way of healing a broken heart I can recommend is meditation. In this we use Chi Energy Power™ to relax all your mind, heart, nerves and body to calm you down so you can return to do what you are supposed to do in your job, routine or daily life. It will push you, support you and control your negative thoughts, emotions and actions and provide the energy you need to pass the lonely nights and time, and will open up your heart to relax.
You need to keep reminding yourself, “Tomorrow I will be better. The rest of my life is going to be better, My past is over now, I am free now and reborn.” Tell yourself this at the beginning and the end of the day. Words like these words can be powerful deep down in your heart. Sometimes tell yourself other positive things like, “Nothing lasts. My dream is over. My luck is on the way. Life is like a movie and this is only a part of my life’s love story. If it is meant to be then it will be: I cannot control what happens in life, but I can control my own soul.” (Take a deep breath and breath out slowly … let your pain go out with the air.)
Heartbreak can heal … and it will heal if you allow yourself to learn how to enjoy new friends, a new life, a change of scene, a new job, and other changes in your life style.
The best part of using meditation to heal your broken heart is that it’s easy to get started. Just find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed for 15-30 minutes, find a comfortable position, relax your body, take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and just be. Your conscious mind will keep the chatter, at least at first. That’s OK, just let your thoughts drift and wander. Put on some soft, soothing music if it helps and enjoy a few quiet relaxing minutes. Give it a try and you will not only relieve stress, tension, and worries, but you’ll feel better instantly.
The beginning of the pain right after the end of a relationship is always the hardest. It is dark, lonely and scary… Often full of hopelessness. But there is light at the end! You just need to remind yourself of that and follow the steps to seek it out.
The Break Up Club shares the following five tips to get through the pain of the difficult experience:
Bad things happen in life and in love. In fact they are supposed to; we are hard wired to expect and manage pain. We’ve been doing it since our very first breath. The pain that we experience though serves many purposes. First, our pain serves as a signal. It alerts us to a part of our being that needs to be accessed, that needs tending to and that needs some TLC. Without pain, how would we know when we needed medical care? If you are experiencing ankle pain, that pain is your body’s way of telling you to slow down and heal yourself. Emotional pain works the same way… it is our body’s way of telling us in no uncertain terms that it needs help.
When our heart hurts, when it aches, affecting every fiber of our being, this is an alert saying slow down and heal yourself. Secondly, pain serves as our guide. Pain is directive. Like an internal compass, pain can lead us out of what is unhealthy and towards something that is. That is, if we listen to it.
When we play the victim, we aren’t listening to our pain. We aren’t leveraging its divine intervention in our life. But, when we play the survivor, we welcome pain. We learn from it and grow because of it. We rebound purposefully.
Resisting pain disallows us to embrace its gift. Sure, it comes wrapped in ugly discomfort, but when you find the courage to untie the ribbon, regardless of how tight it is tied, you will unleash a wealth of self-knowledge… knowledge that will lead you to feeling resolve and confident in whatever comes your way next. Only by welcoming your emotions, no matter how big the flood, can you understand who you really are, why the pain is present and what you need to be free of it.
You deserve to learn how to be such a pilot of your pain. This begins with recognizing that it is here for a POSITIVE reason – it is not something to be ashamed of, annoyed by or afraid of. It is a gift! You can convert the pain of your wounds into an internal guiding light. Instead of using your energy to stuff the pain, you can use it to build a better, brighter, more effective you.
We know, being a survivor of pain is no easy feat. In truth, it is much easier to play the victim – to curl up under a mountain of cozy blankets, nestle in with endless pints of Chunky Monkey and invite people over to wipe away your pity party tears. However, if you want to get somewhere, to a better, more thriving place, you have to tap into your inner surviving superhero. Here’s how:
1. Think of a time where you thrived amidst painful circumstances. This could have been recently or even decades ago. Recall, in detail how you felt at the inception of your experience, what you did to rise beyond it and how the totality of your circumstances made you grow stronger. This will show you that you have been here before and risen… and such that, you will again!
2. Find a quiet place… a place that invokes peace to you and set aside 15-30 minutes to be with your feelings. Bring tissues, a journal, a cup of tea… whatever soothers you like. Close your eyes and inhale your pain, whatever form it rises up in. Resist any urges to redirect your thoughts. Recognize that this is your present moment as it is meant to be… this is your moment to sit with the pain, no matter how agonizing or uncomfortable it is. If you choose not to, you will only delay the moment and be forced to greet it again later.
3. Share your anguish. Whether it is with a close friend, a relative, a support group, a therapist or a stranger on a nearby park bench, sharing will show you that you are not alone, despite how lonely you may feel. Sharing also serves as a powerful release.
4. Make time each and every day to nurture yourself. Uncover joy fillers that remind you of the possibilities ahead. Routine is critical so choose simple activities that can fit into your day, like taking a bubble bath, tending to a garden, listening to music or drawing.
5. Track your growth! Each week, write down a lesson you have learned from experiencing your pain and think about how you will apply it to your future. This will not only be valuable when you come to new life and love crossroads, but in the present, this process will renew your sense of superhero strength.
Here’s the thing. There is, in our opinion, no such thing as time heals all wounds. If it did, we’d all be pain free. It may take time to do the work to heal the wound, but without the work, you will continue to wake up to your pain. It will reemerge like unfinished business. And here’s the other thing. We are made to repair! Just as we are created to experience pain, we are equally created to manage it. By leveraging your inherent motivation, resourcefulness and determination, there is no heartache you can’t soothe, all the while becoming a stronger, more highly developed human.
The BreakUP Club is an organization dedicated to helping women feel, heal and seal the hurt of a breakup. The organization is headquartered in Los Angeles, Calif. and offers local workshops, national online workshops, private one-on-one sessions and teleseminars. Register now for our next teleseminar titled, “Discover and break ineffective dating patterns” by visiting: The BreakUP Club, http://www.break-upclub.com/.
I remember not that long ago going through one of the most difficult times of my life. Days filled with a dull, physical pain, sorrow and emptiness. Yes, support from my close friends and family was helpful, but I still felt isolated and alone at times.If you’re going through a difficult breakup or a divorce, know that you are NOT alone.
Journalist, writer and kindred spirit Rea de Miranda offers these warm words of encouragement for those going through the pain:
There is a myriad of emotions we experience after a loss. We may feel shock and disbelief and after that anger at the person who left you or the boss who fired you from your job or at God for the illness you have or the death of a loved one. We go though things like bargaining with God or the person you lost, to intense anger, helplessness and hopelessness, depression and finally acceptance. The road to healing is a long one and it is an emotional roller coaster ride.
We can waver between bouts of weeping, laughter and faith. These feelings come and go and have no order to it. We must let ourselves go though this and accept the emotions, it is part of the healing process. We should give ourselves time and take care of ourselves like you would a friend going through something like this. There is no timeline to grief of any form. It all depends on the kind of relationship you had with the person you lost, if you will find a job again or if you will be healed from your illness. We all experience emotions in a different way. Where someone might be very emotional and open about it, some will act strong and hide their pain away. One of the best medicines for a broken heart is crying. Tears cleanse the soul.
When a loved one dies there is this huge void left by their parting. We grief not only for them but the future we had with them. The loss of a parent is the love and safety that is lost. The death of a child is part of your life gone. The death of a spouse is the other half that is lost. Every loss through death has its own different compartments you mourn. Death is one of the deepest and most final losses we can experience and it takes longer to heal.
A divorce is one of the most upsetting and painful transitions we can go through. The dream for the future you had, the person you confided in and with whom you shared your life is now all broken dreams. People who go through a divorce feel intense loneliness and depression. You can feel like a failure and that you don’t fit in anywhere any more.
When you lose a job it creates financial insecurity and worries about how you are going to manage to survive. You may also experience feelings of failure and hopelessness. Fear of the future is also a great factor in this situation.
Sudden illness can rob you of your normal life and life expectancy. It is very upsetting and painful not to be able to live like you used to. Many kinds of illnesses alter your life so much that you are incapacitated. Sometimes you need a complete adjustment to life in general and it creates a loss of self.
All these losses contribute to a broken heart and we need time and patience to work through the different emotions we experience. When you feel yourself going into deep depression you must seek professional help. Medication or therapy can help you come to terms with your situation. We have to take care of ourselves and not give up when our hearts are broken. Talk to a friend or someone you can trust about your pain and suffering. Not one of us is an island and we must try to reach out and ask for help. Many people feel too proud to admit to weakness but it is futile to think that way. We can’t overcome heartbreak alone.
I hope with this you can feel yourself reach out to others and in this group. If you need love and understanding and comfort we are here for you. Don’t feel alone and isolated, it is not true.
Perfect relationship, the love of your life, “happily ever after” with your soulmate…
And then it came crushing down. Painful breakup, maybe separation, or worse – a divorce.Sonya Green teaches people how to reinvent themselves, recreate their lives after a painful breakup through meditation. She offers this excellent insight:
Love and death are the two life experiences which really compel us to look at life and the nature of reality. The loss of love, such as a divorce, the end of a relationship or even an unrequited love can be as devastating as losing someone through death. We try to be rational and look for answers from an intellectual viewpoint, but we rarely, if ever, find satisfaction or resolution. At best, we may decide that, “It’s just the way things go, get over it and move on”. Through some force of mental discipline, we suck it down and convince ourselves that we have accepted and recovered from our loss.
When we have been deeply connected to another person we feel intrinsically woven into them. We try to express this sense with statements like, “He was a part of me” or “He completed me”. In death or divorce, it is common to feel like you have lost a part of yourself.
Family and friends will usually be supportive and sympathetic, but there are no cards, no flowers, and no time-out to recover. We are not encouraged to talk about him, and if anything, we are shut down, and advised to dismiss or deny our memories or sentimentalities. Well meaning friends will try to accelerate your disconnection by reminding you about what a cad he was.
You see the disappointment in their eyes and feel the humiliation well up inside you, and you remind yourself again how desperate and insignificant you really are. You make a mental note to yourself, “Don’t say that out loud ever again, don’t even allow yourself to think it again – keep telling yourself, it’s over, until you believe it”.
So, plan B: “I hate him, I never want to see him again, I don’t know what I ever saw in him, he is scum, and I will never, never take him back.”
Plan C: Enter the actress: New hairdo, new clothes, weight loss and party, party, party. “Who? Oh yeah, I used to have a scene with him, big mistake, what a loser.”
At some point, we manage to split our life into two realities. Our external face presents well, and for all appearances, we seem to have gotten over it. We rarely, if ever, mention him, and when we do – it’s in cool tones. We are back in the game and might have begun dating again or become involved in some new hobby or interest, and, all in all, we may appear to be doing well and moving on. Our second life – our secret life – plays itself out within our imagination. At home, alone and private, our love is as real and as powerful as ever. Perhaps it’s even better than it ever was; alone in bed and silent – he comes…
Only love can replenish love. Even if you feel you are faking it at first, it is most important to get back your flow. Be, loving with yourself. Treat yourself the way he should have treated you. Treat yourself the way you wanted to treat him.
Acknowledge the love you share with family and friends, and allow that to expand. Try and stretch loving moments and experiences – take compliments and kindnesses, imbibe beauty and extend pleasure. Re-call your energy andbring it back into yourself. Love the lovable and love the worthy.
Going through a painful experience such a breakup or a divorce is emotionally very close to losing a loved one. The grieving process, the pain, sorrow and sadness take time to heal just as much. Get back to living as soon as possible. As Sonya suggests, fake it if you must. But do start living again. Because at the end, it’s all worth it!
“It’s over. Now what?” You may be afraid that that feeling of emptiness and loss after a breakup or a divorce will NEVER go away. The emotions of a breakup or a divorce are like NO OTHER experience.
Famous relationship expert Dr. Phil offers this advice:
There’s no question that breakups can be painful, and that it’s difficult to trust and love again. But there are ways to get past the pain. Here is some of Dr. Phil’s advice for healing the heartbreak.
In time, it is absolutely vital to put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you.
Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is about you, not your ex.
Don’t start thinking about being friends right away — if ever. You have to be your own friend first.
Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step is part of your healing.
Define your real intentions. Are you trying to move past the breakup, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? You won’t move on until you’ve accepted that the relationship is over.
Be careful about the language you use. When you use catastrophic terms like “nightmare,” “terrible,” and “horrible,” you’re bound to spend time dwelling on the negative. Focus on what you can do.
Sometimes you can’t get over being hurt until you know you’ve been heard. Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.
Don’t embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you’ll look back and feel humiliated. Driving past your ex’s house, making dozens of phone calls or e-mailing non-stop is no way to let go of the past or come out with your head high.
Learn to trust again. Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know there’s a risk. Don’t let a bad experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. You can go through life suspicious, or loving and laughing.
I can tell you from my personal experience that just being able to express all the emotions of a breakup such as sadness, loneliness, anger and sorrow has made a huge difference in my healing process. Find a trusted friend, share openly EVERYTHING you’re feeling and you will feel instant relief.
Susan Piver is a best-selling author, a spiritual teacher, a writer, an a guide.
Her first book, The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do” came out in 2002 and was on the New York Times bestseller list for a solid nine weeks at #2 and then for several more weeks at not #2.
You may have seen her on Oprah, The Tyra Banks Show, the TODAY show, CBS Early Show, CNN, and more. Her work has been featured in Oprah magazine, TIME magazine, The Wall Street Journal, the New York TImes, Parade, SELF, the Shambhala Sun, and others.
In this clip, Susan will share some important insight on hearbreak and dealing with pain of a broken heart.