K

Thanks for the email, K. Yes, being around your ex after a break up makes things painful and difficult.

To stop the pain, you have only two choices – stop seeing her at school (not that easy), or stop hurting (equally not that easy). Here are some suggestions I can give you to alleviate your pain and get over your ex-girlfriend.

Her refusal to talk to you is a good thing. She’s actually helping you to deal with the situation. See, your desire to ‘talk’ is nothing more than a desire to get back together. It is normal to feel that way BUT there comes a point where you just KNOW it’s over and it’s time to move on.

No more talking. No more hope. No more ‘second chances’. Yes, it hurts like hell. But the sooner you face the reality the sooner you will be able to let go — and the sooner you’ll heal the pain.

Start the process…. Today. Right now. Pretend you don’t like her. Act like you’re done with her and it’s over. No talking, no friendship, no contact – NOTHING.

Clean up your life and get rid off everything — EVERYTHING that still connects you to her (pictures, gifts, cards…).  De-frend her on FB. Delete her number. Delete all her notes, emails, chats — EVERYTHING. She has to be out of your life.

Easy? Hell no! But necessary if you want to keep your sanity.

Then, take good care of yourself. Work out daily. And no sissy jog or walking – something really intense. Do it daily to burn off all the stress, pain, and tension.
Get in great shape, even — or especially — if you don’t feel like it.

Read, write, study, learn new skills, learn new things, visit new places, expand your mind, grow! This is a perfect time to do it.
One of my clients went on a soul-searching quest after a painful breakup. She spent several months traveling and exploring South America. To support herself she taught English classes. It was the most amazing and transforming trip of her life and she came back a different person. Be brave and venture into the world.

Connect or reconnect with your good buddies and your family. Stay social and stay connected. Go out, have a few drinks, be with good friends a LOT. This will not only ease your pain but improve your social skills. You’ll need them when you start dating again (yes you will and you will have fun even if right now it’s the last thing on your mind).

This is the time when your mind is playing a wicked game — trying to convince you that SHE is the key to your happiness. That you need HER to feel love, loved, and complete. It feels real, but trust me — it’s nothing but an illusion. 

You make YOU happy. Make that a priority. Make that your daily goal. Keep asking “What would make me happy? Now, right now?”

One day — a lot sooner than you think — this all will blow over, no matter how devastated you feel right now. She was NOT the one. She was the way to the ONE. Trust yourself. She is out there already looking for you.

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It will be painful to end it but it would be worse if you stayed. I know, would it be simple if you just walked in one night and caught your future ex in bed with your best friend?  A scene, some yelling, tears, anger…. A pull on the ejection handle and you’re out. Not easy — just simple. Then again, maybe THAT would hurt even more.

Regardless of the reasons behind your decision you’re getting ready to go through the “we have to talk” ordeal:  “It’s not you, it’s me. I need space. Let’s see other people. Can we stay friends?”

Well, you’re ALMOST ready. You probably still pause and wonder if this really IS good time to go through with . it. Should the two of you give it another chance? What will happen?

Nightmares. Worries. Tears.

The fact is, you’re the one ending the relationship so you will be the “bad guy” no matter how delicately you handle it. It will vary in degree, but there’s usually no way you’re going to walk out of this with getting an enthusiastic high-five and a thank you card. Be prepared to be the recipient of fury, resentment and depression. It’s your unique door prize for playing the role of dumpeur. Be ready to take the heat. Your reasons may be sound, and in time, when your ex finally meets “THE ONE“  and gets married, you’ll be forgiven — a bit. But not NOW. Better get ready.

Mark Radcliffe from Good Men Project will help you out. He’s done the breaking up a few times. Mark’s talking to the guys but his advice is just as helpful for you, ladies, when you’re ready to kick HIM out.

Breaking Up

Honesty is important, but only up to a point. There is a point where you can go too far and do irreparable damage. Of course, there’s no point in completely sugarcoating it either, or else she’ll be left in the dark as to why you’re leaving. You can’t just tell her “I just want something new” if the truth is more like “I don’t feel like you support my dreams and aspirations.”

There are a few exceptions, I think, such as if you’re not really attracted to her (in which case you’re a jerk, since: what were you doing dating her in the first place?), or is if the sex is lousy. Telling a woman she’s bad in bed (and again, the problem might not be her, it might be your inability to communicate what you like, or that you have different approaches to sex) is about the sharpest knife you can plunge into her heart. She might never recover her confidence from it. “We don’t seem sexually compatible” is about as far as you can go with this one, but if you can focus it on the conflict in values and lifestyles, that’s easier to swallow.

Gve her some indication it’s coming. Don’t blindside her when she thinks you’re just going out to see a movie. I made this awful mistake once, thinking it would be easier, and have regretted it every since. It might be easier for you to stay in lala land before you drop the bomb, but it’s cruel to her. Tell her “I think we need to have a talk” at the very least.

The complete breakup article here.

One last thing — break up with respect, dignity and grace. This will give you and your ex a chance to heal, move on and love again.

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I really didn’t see that coming. I’ve been asking myself, is she telling me the true reason for our breakup? Or is she hiding something?

Lenn

Oh, Lenn, break up is tough as it is… Doing it long distance makes it even tougher.

Here is the thing — it doesn’t matter if she’s telling you the truth or not. The fact is she wants out. Whether it’s because of you, or because she has met somebody else — it does not really matter. She wants out and it sounds like she is afraid to tell you the real reason why. After all, she’s lied to you before.

Maybe it’s you. Maybe she’s met somebody else. Maybe it’s both, or maybe it’s something else all together, like her family pressure, or friends who influence her.

Whatever the reason, she wants out. And it maybe easier for her if she doesn’t tell you the truth because she’s not only protecting you, but also herself and her feelings. For her to admit that she’s met another guy — if that’s the case, can is not only difficult but also painful.

So ask yourself: Do you really want to know? Does it really matter? If yes, give her a chance to tell you the truth, without blame or judgement. Just the truth. And be OK with the truth. Also, be ready to move on with dignity.

There is no reason to stay in a relationship where you’re not loved, admired, respected, and appreciated. How can you build a long-term commitment if there is dishonesty and lies.

But what about hope? How about trying to work things out? What ever happened to ‘second chances’, Borino? After all, there are all those books on relationships, there is counseling…

Yes, occasionally two people can make things work again after a nasty break up. I’ve seen people restore their relationship even after a long-term affair. BUT that is very rare. To piece together a broken relationship requires TONS of dedication, understanding, and patience. And love. Huge amounts of love from BOTH SIDES to make it work. It’s like trying to glue back together a big water jug after it was shattered to hundred pieces.

If BOTH of you are willing to make it work all over again, there is hope. But as they say, one horse can’t pull a two-horse cart if the other horse is dead.

When it’s time to move on…. Move on. Leave with self-respect, dignity and forgivness. And leave with hope that there is a great love, and even a greater relationship waiting out there for you.

Borino

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But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can.

He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.

Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give.

Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there.

Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
~ Bob Marley

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I am really confused: is it love or is it just me wanting her back after all this. I want to get over her.

Raul

Thanks for the note, Raul. It’s harder for us guys to talk about how we feel, isn’t it?  How many times have you heard “don’t get so emotional” and “big boys don’t cry” stuff. So to admit you’re confused, you’re hurting and you’re feeling overwhelmed by your recent break up takes strength and courage. I appreciate your honest words and your openness.

That’s really the first step to get back on your feet:

Be honest with yourself. What you feel is what you feel. Bottling it all up and pretending life is peachy will only create more confusion and more pressure within you. And just like a shaken bottle of coke on a hot day, one day it will pop. You’re much better off letting it out.

I know the emotions do feel confusing. On one hand you still feel love and attachment to your ex. But on a deeper level you also KNOW it’s over and there is NOTHING you can say or do anymore to make the relationship work again — no matter how much you want to.

Deep inside you know that even if the two of you do get back together, chances are it will fall apart again, and you will end up at the same spot all over again: in pain, sad, confused and lonely. Knowing that is like a knife stuck in your heart. After six years together there is such a strong bond, familiarity, deep friendship, sex, your own rituals, preferences, language. You had your favorite shows, movies, music, food… You knew so much about each other. A break up after all that is like your tooth that was yanked out and there is a giant painful bleeding hole left in your mouth.

The bad news it, the tender spot will be there and it will hurt for a while.

The good news is, it will heal (and in the second part I’ll give you some practical steps to speed it up).

See, your break up happened for a reason and you are BETTER off. I know, I know, it sounds like a new-age feel-good fluff and it makes very little sense at the moment. But I promise you, sometime in the near future you will look back at your past relationship and at your breakup with GRATITUDE, no matter how crazy that may sound to you at the moment. In due time it will all make sense you will understand that SHE was NOT the one. She was your GUIDE to the one and you will feel love and appreciation for her. Just like she needs (and wants to) move on and you were her guide. You gave each other a precious gift.

If you’re really honest you will admit that the relationship was good — but not awesome. There were things that bugged you. Things you wished you could have changed. Things that didn’t work. It was not perfect, right?

But wait, Borino, how can you be so sure that there is such thing as a ‘perfect relationship’? What if I never meet THE ONE?

There is a perfect relationship

There is an amazing woman out there looking for a great guy — a guy just like you. But in order for the two of you to meet, you must go through a transformation first. You must learn a few things — about yourself, about love, and about life. You must BECOME the person you want to be with. That’s what your past relationship and the hardship of your breakup is about — learning and growing (and some growing pains).

It is the shortest, most efficient (albeit not the most pleasant) route for you to finally have the relationship you’ve always wanted.

And it will be worth it.

In part 2, I will give you some practical ‘quick fix’ tips how to get over your break up, soothe your heartbreak and get you back on your feet quickly.

Borino

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According to the Dictionary.com “broken” means:

1. ruptured; torn; fractured
2. not functioning properly; out of working order

With an end of a marriage or a relationship it seems as if the EVERYTHING is not functioning properly and it’s ALL out of order.  And your heart definitely feels out of working order. The crazy  relationship roller coaster of love, fight, breakup, cry, make-up, get back together, fight, breakup…. Often you take more than one ride as the cycle continues until one of you just has ENOUGH and pulls the plug for the last time.

And then you get stuck in that weird place. You don’t want to get back together again because after a few bruises on your heart you know that it would just end up the same way it did the last time. BUT you also don’t want to be alone and the idea of entering the singles-pool, hanging out the local meat-market singles bar, posting a profile on match.com — well, sticking a pen all the way up your nose sounds more fun than THAT.

So what’s the best way to end that crazy cycle and finally move on, leaving your ex behind FOR GOOD?

Dr. Gladding

Rebecca Gladding, MD, author of the book “You Are Not Your Brain“, says that getting over your ex does not have to be life-and-death ordeal. “Since your of-the-moment desires are processed in a different part of your brain than your rational mind, you’re likely to act without considering your long-term goals,” Gladding says. She goes on to explain that regardless of what prompted the end of the relationship, a split leaves women with a huge urge to fill the void left behind. And what’s the easiest way to fill that void? Here’s a hint: it starts with E and ends with X.

According to Dr. Gladding it takes a few steps you must take during the first few weeks after the break up that will save your sanity and put you back into the singles saddle with a smile (or at least, without a disgust).

Follow the 30-minute rule.

Sure, in the moment you may think that the reason you’re asking if your ex is free one Friday night is because you genuinely miss them and want to catch up, but chances are you’re either just a) lonely or b) bored, and are turning to your ex since that was the way to always occupy you on date night.

“If you stop and dissect this ‘pull’, you can differentiate true desire from temporary, emotionally-charged desire,” Gladding says. So use the 30-minute rule: When the urge to call/text/drop by hits, do something to shift your focus, like going for a run or catching up on your favorite blog. It’s sounds too simple (and kinda unbelievable), but chances are after a half hour of focusing on something else, you’ll be less inclined to call.

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Here is the truth….

Fifty percent of our marriages are NOT ending in divorce. It’s a fiction. A myth. A sadly perpetuated urban legend, just like the Richard Gere and the gerbil story.

See, there is no credible statistical evidence anywhere that would support the 50% divorce myth. Some demographers claim that there was increased focus on divorce rates during the 1970s when the number of divorces rose. This increase was partly as a result of no-fault divorce. Divorces peaked in 1979 and that’s when articles started to surface claiming 50 percent of American marriages were ending in the divorce court.

According to a spokesperson for the U.S. National Center for Health Statistics it appears the misinformation may have originated from a misreading of the facts: “It was true, if you looked at all the marriages and divorces within a single year, you’d find that there were twice as many marriages as divorces“. In 1981, for example, there were 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces. At first glance, that would seem like a 50-percent divorce rate. Logical, right?

BUT… The problem with the numbers is that virtually none of those divorces were among the people who had married during 1981. And the statistic failed to take into account the 54 million marriages that already existed, the majority of which DID NOT end in a divorce.

Second major problem is that most researchers rely on surveys, estimates, assumptions and predictions. Why? Because some states states do not report divorces to the National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), including the largest US state — California. One of the largest reports about divorce released by the NCHS is based on a 1995 study of 11,000 women. It predicted “one-third of new marriages among younger people will end in divorce.”

More flawed divorce statistics are discussed in the New York Times study “Divorce Rate — It’s Not As High As You Think” here.

Joshua R. Goldstein, associate professor of sociology and public affairs at Princeton’s Office of Population Research, said the loss of detailed government data, coming at a time when divorce rates were at their highest, might have distorted not only public perception, but people’s behavior.

“Expectations of high divorce are in some ways self-fulfilling,” he said. “That’s a partial explanation for why rates went up in the 1970′s. As word gets out that rates have tempered or actually begun to fall. It could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy in the other direction.”

OK, but what does that all mean? Maybe you already are in a middle of a painful divorce, about to become the latest statistic and there is absolutely nothing you can do — other than to accept the inevitable.

One thing: Keep hope. Hold on to hope. Even if it didn’t work out this time, there is ALWAYS next time. Remember that love, marriage and a great, committed relationship between two people is not only possible, it’s within your reach. And no urban legend, flawed statistic or myth can ever take that hope away.

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What have you learned from all this about yourself? About love? What can you do better next time?

Don’t worry, there will be ‘next time’ even if now that’s last thing on your mind. Find out what was missing from your past relationship and how to avoid another painful disaster in the future.

Through entertainment and humor, relationship expert Matt Townsend shares principles and skills that empower couples to change through more effective communication and eliminating patterns of negative reactions. Matt will show you how to get to the heart of important love, marriage and communication issues all couples deal with.The self-improvement site MindPerk offers his introductory program “5 Keys to a Happy & Healthy Marriage“ for free all month of December.

You’ll learn how to:

• Immediately implement these 5 critical relationship keys
• Identify starving relationships and do something about it
• Fight the fire, not the smoke
• Energize solutions, not problems
• Recognize the ruts
• Change your future, not your past
• Make your relationships whole
• and more

You cannot change the past relationship but you can definitely make the next one better. Give it a listen (it’s only about an hour). I think you’ll enjoy it and learn something helpful.

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Rob Macpherson — the author of “Will Preach For Food” blog met his first big love during his university years.

After years of being inseparable, still wayward, I felt my way was diverging from hers. I was young, and it was my life, dammit, and I wasn’t going to be held back from what I was sure were far horizons. So I left one fine day.

It was the first serious relationship for both of us, and spanned most of our university years. In leaving this lovely young woman, who had done nothing injurious to me, not ever, I created a wound in the very core of her being that I know for a fact has never really healed. And that was 30 years ago.

Then a storm hits, blue skies and fluffy clouds are chased away by winds, rains and storms. One gets lost, takes a different turn or falls behind. Feelings change, whether gets cold and the world turns into ice. Laughter and passion is choked by loneliness, anger and despair.

Fate is not without a sense of ironic justice. In fact, I often think it is intent on mocking our attempts at directing our lives. For as badly as I did to her, the same was done to me 10 years later. But with a twist: I was left with a small, innocent, girl-child to raise. And so those far horizons I was chasing narrowed to the necessary confines of her needs.

“I’ll see your broken heart, raise you a heart to love and shape,” says Fate. Any gambler will tell you: the house always wins.

I remember being out in the garden one night as a late summer evening closed in, my little girl sleeping peacefully in her room above, and I suddenly got it. “Okay, ” I said. “O-kay.” It was more than poetic justice. Life had offered me an opportunity to heal through loving a tender, fragile little girl, and thus to undo the sort of heartlessness in me that so wounded someone else’s tender little girl a decade before.

Her heart would stay broken, of course. As with a vase, even if you put it back together so it holds water and flowers, it’s still broken, and always will be broken on some level.

Mend broken heart with forgivness

My heart has stayed broken too, even though the little girl is now about to be 25 and is far more well-adjusted than I have any right to expect. Raising her taught me, long after I should already have known, what love actually was.

There is a way to mend a broken heart yourself, even if you don’t have a child to show you how. I’ve thought a lot about this over the years, and I can see no practical alternative to forgiveness. What else do you do, seethe and cry forever? Is it really better to keep the anger and hatred locked away and take them out and polish them in the wee hours, savoring the bitterness? Do you really want that flinching reflex every time anything–a street, a song, a particular tree– reminds you of the one who hurt you? Do you really never want to trust anyone ever again?

Rob offers six steps on the road to complete forgiveness to heal heartbreak:

1. Work to comprehend the motives of the person who hurt you
2. See your own role in your heart-break
3. Pray for the heart-breaker
4. If it’s appropriate (and only if), undertake to do acts of kindness toward the heart-breaker
5. Let go of the desire to see the heart-breaker acknowledge guilt, responsibility, or even awareness of the hurt they caused
6. Be patient and steadfast

Read the entire article here.

Forgiveness is the art of letting go of resentment, indignation and anger. Forgiveness will set you free. Forgive your ex partner, but more importantly, forgive yourself. You don’t need to rewrite the past or pretend you were not hurt. You don’t need to forget — just forgive and let go.

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Moore said in statement from her publicist to ABCNews.com: “As a woman, a mother and a wife, there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life. This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.“

Kutcher posted his response on Twitter minutes after Moore’s announcement, writing, “I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi.“

Kutcher also unfollowed Moore on Twitter. For now, her Twitter handle remains @mrskutcher.

Rumors about their marital problems have been floating around for a while. Just before their fifth anniversary, Kutcher and Moore fended off the first reports that he had cheated on her. Soon after, the couple embarked on a spiritual trip to Israel. At the time, Kutcher tweeted, “Asking 4 the energy 2 forge bonds with our similarities & find compromise in our differences.”

Not so this time.

On Thursday Kutcher tweeted, “Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK.”

A lasting, loving, healthy marriage between celebrities is a rarity. Add an aging has-been actress and a16-year age difference to the mix and the breakup is obvious and inevitable. The (sad) truth is when an relationship ends — it ends, and no amount of desire or spirituality can resurrect it. No matter how painful it is, moving on is the right and healthy thing to do. Strength, Love and Light to Demi and Ashton — and to all of you broken hearts out there.

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Now science is catching up with what you and I have known all along: Breakup causes physical pain (DUH!). Love in deed hurts, hurts physically, not just emotionally. Dr. Ethan Kross, professor of psychology and his research team at the University of Michigan found that brain reacts to breakup the same way it reacts to physical pain.

According to the new ABC Medical News report experts believe this study can offer new insight into the complexities of social rejection, and how the experience can be emotionally and physically debilitating.

“These results give new meaning to the idea that rejection ‘hurts,’” the authors wrote. “The psychic pain that follows from the breakup of a relationship definitely affects physical health,” said Susan Heitler, a Denver clinical psychologist. “Research has shown, for instance, that grieving increases the risk of heart attacks.”

She also said this biological similarity helps explain why breakups hit some people harder than others.

“Just as some of us are better able to tolerate pain, some of us are more vulnerable to experiencing rejection,” she said.

Responses to Physical and Social Pain Similar

Time to move on

The physiological link also helps explain why many people respond to social pain and physical pain such as divorce or breakup in similar ways. Rather than deal with the intense emotions that come with the loss of a romantic relationship, people often avoid them and shun other relationships because being social feels too painful. They respond to physical pain the same way.

“People make a lot of conclusions that physical pain is too much to manage. They believe the best way to deal with it is to lie down and shut out the world,” said Simon Rego, director of psychology training at Montefiore Medical Center in New York. “The brain is not wired to differentiate between physical pain and social pain.“

No matter what kind of pain a person experiences because of a loss, experts say it’s vital to address it.

Heartbreak triggers an incredible wave of negative emotions. Many of us tend to bottle them up and pretend the pain is not there, or we simply shut down which only makes matters worse.

“Loss of a relationship is one of the prime triggers of suicide,” said Heitler. “Breakups can prove fatal.“

There is a time to mourn the loss of love and dreams. Time to cry. And then, take a deep breath, face the pain, get up and move on.

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

Hope it made your day a bit better. It sure made mine. Laugh it off if you can!

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“Who gets over a break up faster? A guy or a girl?”

One of the first answers was “Actually that really depends on who finds someone else faster“. Often we tend to cover up the pain and sadness by jumping into another relationship — or I should say “relationship” right after break up. This desire for love is often fueled by our fear of loneliness and isolation. This fear, by the way, is just as real for men as is it is for women.

We are social creatures. Since birth we are all hardwired for love and connection. It’s in our DNA to be around others, to feel the presence, touch and affection of other human beings.

Our need to stay connected after a cataclysmic event such as divorce or breakup overrides our better judgement and we end up in a rebound relationship which does not last. Then the cycle repeats. Sounds familiar? Consider this…

There was a high spike of mortality in the US at the beginning of the 20th century. Nobody could figure out why so many infants were suddenly dying. There was no evidence of new disease or sudden violence. After extensive research, a well known pediatrician Dr. Henry Dwight Chapin finally found the answer. Dr. Chapin reported that in foundling homes where babies were given adequate nourishment and cleanliness, but NO LOVE AND NO TOUCH, nearly every infant under two years DIED. The mortality rate was almost 100 percent! He had discovered that the policy at these households at the time was “no cuddling.” The babies died from lack of touch and love.

We all need love and affection to survive

To survive, we all need love, attention and affection from other people, and not just for casual interactions, but deep, meaningful emotional connections. Because you can be around people all day long, you can spend hours on Facebook, text back and forth with your friends, and STILL feel lonely and isolated.

Feeling lonely is not just about being alone, it’s about the level of trust, love, comfort, connection and intimacy you have with the people we are with. A romantic dinner with your partner is not the same as having lunch with casual friends.

This void is also the driving force that pushes us into a rushed rebound relationship too early after the breakup — difference face, same experience — before we have a chance to properly process the loss and heal the heartbreak.

Whether you’re a guy or a girl, being social, hanging out with friends, even occasional flirt or sex is not necessarily bad, but looking for a serious relationship right after a break up or a divorce is not a solution right now. You’re a brave soul on a difficult journey to feeling better and getting better. Stay with it.

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Sounds familiar? If you’re going through something similar, check out the following article by Christine Wilcox from Scientific American that may help you deal with the break up and pain.

I know I’m not physically hurt. Though it feels like I’ve been kicked in the stomach with steel-toed boots, my abdomen isn’t bruised. Spiking cortisol levels are causing my muscles to tense and diverting blood away from my gut, leading to this twisting, gnawing agony that I cannot stop thinking about. I can’t stop crying. I can’t move. I just stare at the ceiling, wondering when, if ever, this pain is going to go away.

It doesn’t matter that my injuries are emotional. The term heartache isn’t a metaphor: emotional wounds literally hurt. The exact same parts of the brain that light up when we’re in physical pain go haywire when we experience rejection. As far as our neurons are concerned, emotional distress is physical trauma.

Evolutionary biologists would say that it’s not surprising that our emotions have hijacked the pain system. As social creatures, mammals are dependent from birth upon others. We must forge and maintain relationships to survive and pass on our genes. Pain is a strong motivator; it is the primary way for our bodies tell us that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Our intense aversion to pain causes us to instantly change behavior to ensure we don’t hurt anymore. Since the need to maintain social bonds is crucial to mammalian survival, experiencing pain when they are threatened is an adaptive way to prevent the potential danger of being alone.

Of course, being able to evolutionarily rationalize this feeling doesn’t make it go away.

Music heals break up pain

I lie flattened, like the weight of his words has literally crushed me. I need to do something, anything to lessen this ache. The thought crosses my mind to self medicate, but I quickly decide against that. Mild analgesics like ibuprofen would be useless, as they act peripherally, targeting the pain nerves which send signals to the brain. In this case, it is my brain that is causing the pain. I would have to take something different, like an opioid, which depresses the central nervous system and thus inhibits the brain’s ability to feel. Tempting as that might be, painkillers are an easy – and dangerous – way out. No, I need to deal with this some other way.

Slowly, I sit up and grab the guitar at the foot of my bed.

Where music comes from, or even why we like and create music, is still a mystery. What we do know is that it has a powerful affect on our brains. Music evokes strong emotions and changes how we perceive the world around us. Simply listening to music causes the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to the brain’s reward system and feelings of happiness. But even more impressive is its affect on pain. Multiple studies have shown that listening to music alters our perception of painful stimuli and strengthens feelings of control. People are able to tolerate pain for longer periods of time when listening to music, and will even rate the severity of the sensation as lower, suggesting that something so simple as a melody has a direct affect on our neural pathways.

So, too, does self expression. Expressive writing about traumatic, stressful or emotional events is more than just a way to let out emotion – college students told to write about their most upsetting moments, for example, were found to be in remarkably better health four months later than their counterparts who wrote on frivolous topics. These positive results of self-expression are amplified when the product is shared with others. While negative emotions may have commandeered our pain response, art has tapped into the neurochemical pathways of happiness and healing.

So, I begin to write. At first, it is just a jumble of chords and words, haphazardly strung together. But, slowly, I edit and rewrite, weaving my emotions into lyrics. I play it over and over, honing the phrasing, perfecting the sound. Eventually, it begins to resemble a song (listen here).

The rush of dopamine loosens the knot in my stomach ever so slightly. For now, the agony is dulled. Still, I can’t help but think that I’m never going to really feel better – that the memory of this moment will be seared into my brain, and a mental scar will always be there, torturing me with this intense feeling of loss.

Scientifically, I know I’m wrong. As I close my eyes, I am comforted by the thought that the human brain, though capable of processing and storing ridiculous amounts of information, is flawed. The permanence of memory is an illusion. My memory of this moment will weaken over time. It will be altered by future experiences, until what I envision when I try to recall it will be only a faint reflection of what I actually feel. Eventually, this pain won’t overwhelm me, and I will finally be able to let go.

Christie Wilcox writes at Scientific American network’s Science Sushi blog, where this post originally appeared.

How to Get Over a Break Up or Divorce | Heal a Broken Heart -

How to Get Over a Break Up or Divorce | Heal a Broken Heart -

Author Allison Mac offers tips to help you calm the storm, rein in the emotions and have more inner peace.

Set Limits and Slow Down

Life can be filled with a thousand things to do in a day, each one more important than the next. If you do not set limits you will be over worked, over burdened and over drained. Decide on what is most important to accomplish and set your limits so that you are able to get them done. This may mean saying no to some people and it may mean saying no to yourself (such as checking your emails 20 times a day).

Prioritize, set your limits and slow down the pace. This will take a huge load off your mind and allow your body to relax a little. Set a small amount of time aside in between each task to take a few deep breathes, chew your food and stretch your body. Doing this alone will make a big difference in your state of mind.

Adopt a Relaxation Technique

Everyone needs a good relaxation technique that works for them. There are numerous to choose from and you may need to try one or two to find one that fits into your lifestyle. Some popular choices are:

• meditation
• deep breathing
• visualization
• exercise
• brainwave audios

Declutter and Simplify

It is amazing what decluttering your house and especially your work space can do for your mind. Put a little bit of time aside to declutter your living space and you will find that your mind is clearer, more focused and relaxed. This simple procedure makes a world of difference when trying to achieve inner peace.
Read the entire article.

My world was turned upside-down after my break up. Doing something as simple as cleaning my office was a welcomed distraction. Keeping busy helped me shift my focus, relax my mind and do something productive. I realized that feeling calm and peaceful wouldn’t just happen — it required conscious effort every day. But following a few simple steps eventually led me out of the misery and depression back to a balanced life.

How to Get Over a Break Up or Divorce | Heal a Broken Heart -

Heartbroken by what I’ve left out? Leave a comment and let me know, please….

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart – Al Green

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

Someone Like You – Adele

Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don’t forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt

I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel when you’re holdin me
Mornin’ will come and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t.

Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor

I said nothing can take away these blues
‘Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It’s been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong

Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

How can I put it? You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah yeah
Since you’ve been gone

How come I’d never hear you say
“I just wanna be with you?”
I guess you never felt that way.

But since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so movin’ on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you now I get, I get what I want
Since you’ve been gone

It’s Over – Roy Orbison

Your baby doesn’t love you any more.
Golden days, before they end,
Whisper secrets to the wind.
Your baby won’t be near you any more.
Tender nights, before they fly,
Send falling stars that seem to cry.
Your baby doesn’t want you any more.

It’s over.

It breaks your heart in two,
To know she’s been untrue.
But oh, what will you do,
When she says to you,
“There’s someone new.
We’re through.
We’re through.”
It’s over, it’s over, it’s over.

Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart – Alicia Keys

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well, you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, own me, nobody ever shut it down like you

You wore the crown
You made my body feel heaven bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me?
I thought you told me you’d never leave me

Missing – Anything But The Girl

I step off the train
I’m walkin’ down your street again
And past your door but you don’t live there anymore
It’s years since you’ve been there
And now you’ve disappeared somewhere
Like outer space you’ve found some better place

And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain

What Hurts The Most – Rascal Flatts

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losin’ you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ it
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still harder gettin’ up, gettin’ dressed, livin’ with this regret

But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin’ so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin’ you walk away

And never knowin’
What could’ve been
And not seein’ that lovin’ you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

Everybody Hurts – REM

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
when you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it’s time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go, (hold on)
when you think you’ve had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don’t throw your hand. Oh, no. Don’t throw your hand.
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no, no, you are not alone.

How to Get Over a Break Up or Divorce | Heal a Broken Heart -

For a while (a long while) I was really struggling with life and it was very difficult to gather up the strength to stand up again. I think part of the problem was the way we guys deal with break ups and heart break. When you ladies go through a divorce or a breakup, you usually have your close friends and your family to lean on. You are in touch with your emotions and talk about your feelings with honesty and in great detail. Being able to vent all those emotions is very healthy and it speeds up the healing process. And it just feels so good to tell a dear friend about all that love injustice and about your jerk ex, or your sweet ex, depending on the circumstances.

I know I’m generalizing here, but we guys truly are different. From the age three we are taught that “big boys don’t cry” and to “toughen up” to be “a big boy” like daddy. We’re told not to “cry like a girl“. It’s not cool to “get all emotional“. Here is how we share:

Me: “I broke up with my girlfriend.”
My buddy: “Oh? Bummer.”
Me: “Yeah. It’s over.”
My buddy: “That sucks. Wanna grab a beer?”

"Depression after break up doesn't heal overnight"

And that’s pretty much the entire conversation. No wonder we get stuck in the sadness and depression for a long time. Of course, man or woman — depression never heals overnight. It is a process that takes time, guidance, friendship, and most importantly, loving patience for yourself.

For a while after my break up, I stuck with my “victim” story, wallowing in self-pity, sinking deeper into depression and prolonging the agony. It was an unpleasant but a necessary stage on my journey. The fact is, it is A LOT easier to teach and guide others than to be your own guide. But in order for me to relate to you and to the rest of the kindred broken-hearted spirits out there, I had to walk the walk first.

Then I made a decision to “get over it”. Simple? Yes, but not that easy. I came to realize that I don’t always control the events of my life but I always make a choice of perspective. At the risk of sounding like Tony Robbins here, that really was the secret and THE turning point. I CHOOSE to step back, take a nice deep breath, and move to a different direction. I was completely in control and completely responsible for HOW I felt. It was time to change because constantly talking and feeling like the “old poor me” would just bring more of the same: misery, sadness and pain. And I was done with it.

How I Stopped Feeling Depressed

1. Ask Better Questions

Better questions lead to relief after a break up

My favorite used to be “Why is this always happening to poor me?” And my life had always delivered answers consistent with my victim attitude. Here are some better questions to ask:
- Will this matter five years from now? Probably not. Life is too short so there is no point of dwelling on pain and struggle if it won’t matter.

- How did this experience make me better? What did I learn? How have a grown?
My breakup made me stronger and more emotionally balanced. Today I handle big emotional challenges better. I know I can take care of myself. I have also been able to help hundreds of others who are dealing with painful divorce or a break up.

- How do I want my future (life, partner, relationship) to be?
With all that pain came also plenty of clarity on WHAT and WHOM I wanted in my life.

2. Focus on HAPPY

I began to focus on things, events and people that made me happy. I made it a deliberate effort to do things that felt good: I spent more time with my mom and my brother, I volunteered at a dog rescue center, I learned how to windsurf.

“What would be fun thing to do right now? What would make you happy right now?” A weekend trip with friends? Favorite song? A fun conversation with someone you like? A scoop of chocolate mint ice cream? Treat yourself — and treat yourself with love.

Here is the secret…
The better you feel, the better life gets. The better life gets the better you feel…. Constantly look for ways to feel better.

3. Move Forward

I started to move towards more fulfilling life, taking better care of my heart, my mind, and my body. Baby steps at first: A short walk, a brief meditation, a fun song on Pandora.

Movement — physical movement itself brought plenty of relief — biking on the beach, spin classes, boot camp work outs, skiing, windsurfing.

I didn’t worry if some of the stuff was too “new age” — especially for guy.  “Does it work?” is all that mattered: daily meditation, yoga, retreats, seminars, good books — and of course constant support from my family and close friends… Small baby steps every day eventually led me out of the darkness and into a fulfilling, happy life. And ultimately, to the awesome, most loving relationship with the woman of my dreams.

How about you? What works for you on your journey from heart break to happiness? Please share your tips and advice!

How to Get Over a Break Up or Divorce | Heal a Broken Heart -

Break up can turn your entire world upside down and send you into a emotional spin fueled by fear, sadness and anxiety. They say to use this time to grow and learn… Hell, that’s easier said than done! While it is true that a breakup can bring some valuable insights and powerful lessons, much of the learning happens in retrospect, after the dust settles.

Why does it hurt so much — even if the relationship that has just ended was doomed for a while and both you have been considering the inevitable?

The Emotional Pain

One of the most significant reasons is your expectations. Remember when the two of you met? All these awesome expectations, beautiful dreams, sweet hope of the happy future together? Even the most banal and simple joys were turned into grandiose love fests because your emotions (and hormones) were in overdrive. Everything looked and felt SO PROMISING. You were IN LOVE and the world around you seemed like a set from The Willy Wonka’s factory.

"Breakup or divorce brings uncertainty about future"

Separation annihilates all those love-ly dreams and delivers a heavy dose of painful, bitter reality. It wipes out all that fun-filled future plans and replaces them with haunting ghosts of the past and scary thoughts of the bleak future.

Breaking-up becomes a frightening ride in an uncharted territory through the dark world of the unknown. Everything in your life seems suddenly broken: the daily rituals, your responsibilities, your home and your house…. The relationships you used to have with the family of your ex, your mutual friends — all just a gaping hole now. There is a big, unpleasant shift in the very core of your identity.

Breaking-ups bring uncertainty about the future. How will life be without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you remain alone? These unknowns often seem worse than your relationship — even if it was an unhappy relationship, it was still A RELATIONSHIP.

The Physical Pain

When you fall in love, the “happy” chemical dopamine and the “trust” chemical oxytocin increase to very high levels. Your system literary goes on a happy chemical binge. You become addicted to these chemical rushes much the same as one can become addicted to drugs such as cocaine, amphetamines, heroin, morphine and oxycontin.

When a relationship ends, the body is in withdrawal from these chemicals. The circuits in the brain that are involved in love and loss are really a motivational system. You are experiencing the same irrational and involuntary brain state as a person deprived of food, water or a drug. Mania and an obsession with regaining what has been lost may set in. The circuits of fear and anxiety are also at full throttle, as oxytocin levels decrease.

“Pain is the way the mind responds to trouble inside the body,” says Alex Zautra, a professor of psychology at Arizona State University. “Emotion is the same way. Whether you feel love or sadness is also a response to something you feel outside the body. With pain it is a closer-in response, to something inside the body, but it is a response in an attempt to learn about and motivate recovery.“

Psychological research suggests the human brain always loses more than it gains. The joy of entering a new relationship is nothing compared to the pain caused by a breakup or a divorce.

You’re NOT going crazy. You’re kicking a habit — a serious habit. After the breakup, the “happy” chemicals are immediately replaced by stress hormones,including high levels of adrenaline.

“Massive amounts of these stress hormones can go right to the heart and produce a stunning of the heart muscle that causes this temporary dysfunction resembling a heart attack. It doesn’t kill the heart muscle like a typical heart attack, but it renders it helpless,” says cardiologist Ilan Wittstein, M.D. in a recent Washington Post article about heartbreak.

That’s where that deep pain comes from. Stress and stress hormones lower your heart’s pumping ability. The reduced pumping causes chest pain, chest muscle contractions and other symptoms similar to heart attack.

"Broken heart syndrome is not just folklore"

As you see, you’re not loosing your mind. You’re dealing with symptoms of a cocaine addiction and a heart attack.

Accept that pain and disappointment is part of life. Life is not always easy and in spite of many Hollywood movies, love doesn’t always last forever.

However, it is ALL temporary. So find comfort in knowing that what you’re going through is normal and there is a better future ahead — without struggle, pain or sadness.

How to Get Over a Break Up or Divorce | Heal a Broken Heart -

All kidding aside, so much in the video is really true…. Funny but true. Being in a relationship can be a test of patience and love.
Hope it will make you laugh, too. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine for a broken heart. Enjoy! I’m gonna go get a ham and lettuce sandwich with milk.

How to Get Over a Break Up or Divorce | Heal a Broken Heart -