Borino, I just had breakup after being in a relationship for 6 years. I really want her back, tried to make her understand with all of my heart but it didn’t work. Now its been a month, I haven’t contacted her.

I am really confused: is it love or is it just me wanting her back after all this. I want to get over her.

Raul

Thanks for the note, Raul. It’s harder for us guys to talk about how we feel, isn’t it?  How many times have you heard “don’t get so emotional” and “big boys don’t cry” stuff. So to admit you’re confused, you’re hurting and you’re feeling overwhelmed by your recent break up takes strength and courage. I appreciate your honest words and your openness.

That’s really the first step to get back on your feet:

Be honest with yourself. What you feel is what you feel. Bottling it all up and pretending life is peachy will only create more confusion and more pressure within you. And just like a shaken bottle of coke on a hot day, one day it will pop. You’re much better off letting it out.

I know the emotions do feel confusing. On one hand you still feel love and attachment to your ex. But on a deeper level you also KNOW it’s over and there is NOTHING you can say or do anymore to make the relationship work again — no matter how much you want to.

Deep inside you know that even if the two of you do get back together, chances are it will fall apart again, and you will end up at the same spot all over again: in pain, sad, confused and lonely. Knowing that is like a knife stuck in your heart. After six years together there is such a strong bond, familiarity, deep friendship, sex, your own rituals, preferences, language. You had your favorite shows, movies, music, food… You knew so much about each other. A break up after all that is like your tooth that was yanked out and there is a giant painful bleeding hole left in your mouth.

The bad news it, the tender spot will be there and it will hurt for a while.

The good news is, it will heal (and in the second part I’ll give you some practical steps to speed it up).

See, your break up happened for a reason and you are BETTER off. I know, I know, it sounds like a new-age feel-good fluff and it makes very little sense at the moment. But I promise you, sometime in the near future you will look back at your past relationship and at your breakup with GRATITUDE, no matter how crazy that may sound to you at the moment. In due time it will all make sense you will understand that SHE was NOT the one. She was your GUIDE to the one and you will feel love and appreciation for her. Just like she needs (and wants to) move on and you were her guide. You gave each other a precious gift.

If you’re really honest you will admit that the relationship was good — but not awesome. There were things that bugged you. Things you wished you could have changed. Things that didn’t work. It was not perfect, right?

But wait, Borino, how can you be so sure that there is such thing as a ‘perfect relationship’? What if I never meet THE ONE?

There is a perfect relationship

There is an amazing woman out there looking for a great guy — a guy just like you. But in order for the two of you to meet, you must go through a transformation first. You must learn a few things — about yourself, about love, and about life. You must BECOME the person you want to be with. That’s what your past relationship and the hardship of your breakup is about — learning and growing (and some growing pains).

It is the shortest, most efficient (albeit not the most pleasant) route for you to finally have the relationship you’ve always wanted.

And it will be worth it.

In part 2, I will give you some practical ‘quick fix’ tips how to get over your break up, soothe your heartbreak and get you back on your feet quickly.

Borino